Being a single parent was something that was hard for me to accept. Growing up in a single parent household made me not want that for my life. Not because my amazing mother didn’t do a great job but because I saw the struggle first hand. I didn’t want that for my life nor my son’s. It was a hard pill to swallow and it took me a while to come to terms with it. I was embarrassed, I judged myself so I felt that other ppl would judge me without even knowing me. I didn’t want to be seen, I tried to look happy and put on this facade but I was dying on the inside. The pain was too much and funny enough, the harder I tried to suppress it and act like everything was fine, the more it came to the surface and just seeped through my pores. The hurt, anger and shame I felt was evident in everything that I did. The way I walked down the street, the way I acted around family and friends. I became a recluse, I didn’t go out socially. I also became paranoid that everyone knew my story and they were all whispering about it. It consumed me. I developed severe trust issues not only with men but my family and friends. I built a thicker wall to keep any and everyone at bay. I became more and more depressed. Five months after I had my son, I was laid off from my job and that threw me further into my depression. People would say to me you’re such a great mom because I would still get up and go places with him (as hard as that was), still take my son to all the parks and museums and mommy and me classes I could. I would cook, clean and make my life seem as normal and perfect as I can but I was slowly dying on the inside. Everything felt like a chore that I didn’t want to do. I had to drag myself out of bed to change him and feed him, and go to work. I just wanted to lay under my covers and die. I used to pray that my heart would just stop beating or that my lungs would malfunction and stop taking in air. I started having suicidal thoughts. I just wanted my heart to stop hurting. At times I wished I could just rip my heart out or get a magic potion to numb myself or erase my memory. I would think over and over about killing myself. I would think to myself that I could give my baby his bath, feed him, play with him, give him a million kisses and then put him down for his nap. Then I would take a million pills, fill the tub up, get in it and hopefully I would fall asleep and slip under the water. Then my inner self would ask but what about Chace, whos going to love him as much as you do? Would he grow up blaming himself? Would he hate you…the only way to know for sure that he is loved and taken care of the way you want him to and the way he deserves was if he was with you. So you either have to stay here with him or take him with you. That latter statement made me even more sad. I was torn. Caught between a rock and a hard place. I didn’t want to leave my beautiful baby boy yet I knew I couldn’t take him with me, he didn’t deserve either one. That was the defining moment for me! God has a way of turning your mess into a message, and your test into a testimony. I immediately contacted my insurance company and inquired about my mental health benefits and thank God, I had Medicaid at the time so I was fully covered. I then asked for some names of therapists that I could go to and I was given a list. I began calling them and before the day was out I selected one and made an appointment. I was nervous and excited at the same time. I was excited because I had taken the first steps to getting help and bettering myself but I was nervous because seeing a therapist is perceived, especially in the African community as not only something that we do not need but as an admittance to being crazy. Nevertheless, I pressed on and the day of my appointment, I got my baby boy dressed and we took the hour long train ride into manhattan for my first session. When I left my session, I was disappointed. I didn’t feel a connection with the therapist and I felt like he was making this about my son’s dad and what he did wrong. I decided that I would not be seeing him again and went home feeling defeated. About a month or so went by and I decided to try again. This time I chose an office in park slope Brooklyn and that is where I met my beloved Avi. I think what made the difference between this session and my last was because he leaned in and listened tentatively when I spoke, he showed concern and compassion. Not only that, what sealed the deal for me is that he acknowledged my son and interacted with him. Something that didn’t happen with the first guy that I saw. September of 2013, I began my long journey to recovery. It wasn’t smooth sailing. It wasn’t an easy path; in fact it was very hard and bumpy. There were many ups and downs, highs and lows, remissions and relapses. There were times where I thought I would never get better. I would always be depressed, my life would always be in shambles; I know realize that was the devil. In the beginning I didn’t see therapy working, but I made the commitment to still go regularly. It wasn’t until maybe a year after I’ve been going that I started to see the effects of it. Unbeknownst to me, God had big plans for me and my life and everything that I was going through was molding and shaping me for my true purpose and destiny. A month after I started going to therapy, I got a job working for Columbia Fertility. I was so excited that I didn’t care that it was just part time nor that I have to be at work for 7am and it was a hour away. On October 21st, I got up at 4 am and showered and got ready. Then I got my baby up and dressed, grab our pre-packed bags, got into a cab, dropped him off at daycare and then headed to my new job. I thought that this was it, I was going to get back on my feet. I was behind on my rent and was facing eviction but I now had a job and would be able to start making payments and getting back on track. I had another set back when I got to Columbia. I worked part time and I was the lowest paid person in the lab(overly qualified), but still the lowest paid. Struggling to pay my rent, severely depressed, lonely, scared, frustrated, hurt, angry were just some of the emotions I was feeling…On top of all of that, I was treated like crap at that job. Most of us had the same degree but the Embryologists would turn up their noses at us in Andrology lab and worst yet me, the new girl who was just a clerical Aide. I would cry all the time. I would say God, I hate paperwork. The last thing I want to do is be a paper pusher or someone’s errand girl. I wanted to quit immediately but then a lovely young woman named Lisa connected with me. And she talked me off of that ledge. She said “hang in there for just one year and then you can quit”. God was using her to say to me For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. I ended up staying at that job for almost 3 years. I fought to learn everything that I was allowed to in the fertility world. And let me tell, God truly never gives us more than we can bear. Just when I couldn’t take it anymore at that job, just when all of my friends and support system left and I couldn’t bear to go to work anymore, God gave me a new job. At the time, I was making 38K per year, so I asked for 45-50K in my interview, and guess what, they gave me the maximum. 50K!!!! Oh but God wasn’t done yet, after a few short months at my new job I was basically running and unofficially supervising the Andrology lab. And just when I thought that that’s the best that’s its going to get, less than a year later got offered another position paying me even more. I got an 11K per year increase…In just 3 years, my salary was almost doubled. It hasn’t been easy and I don’t always feel that way but I am my own success story. I truly started from the bottom. But the good thing is that when you’re at rock bottom, the only way to go is up💪🏾🙏🏾. I’m Proud of myself. God isn’t done with me either. I truly believe this is just the beginning. Let me tell you, favor ain’t fair and when God favors you, he will take you to heights you never even knew existed. He will give you positions that other people have to have degrees to get. The songwriter says “God’s favor is more precious than life”. I’m so grateful and thankful that God wasn’t done with me yet. When I thought my life was over, he had other plans for me. It was very hard writing this because it brings back painful memories, but I wanted to be as transparent as possible because someone needs to read my story. Someone may be thinking of giving up and throwing in the towel and I want to say to you, just hold on. Surround yourself with people that genuinely love, care for and support you, speak to a counselor, a friend, a pastor. Find someone that you can trust. And most importantly, pray and praise without ceasing. Ive had some amazing people who rallied behind Chace and I. Individuals who were vital my growth and recovery; family and friends alike. Weeping may endure for the night but JOY comes in the morning. I made it and so will you. I know that I’m going to have some more rough days ahead of me but instead of telling God how big my problems are, I’m going to tell my problems how big my God is!!! The lyrics to one of my favorite songs by John P. Kee and New Life says “I’m delivered, here’s my storyLife and favor upon me, he brought me out. You don’t know it, let me tell it, Life and favor upon me, he brought me out, God of mercy, he who loves me, Life and favor upon me, he brought me out, Oh, how wondrous is my story, Life and favor upon me, he brought me out, Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through, Life and favor upon me, he brought me out”! I am a walking, breathing, living testimony of God’s grace, mercy and abundant favor and you can too. Just reach out, grab and hold unto his unchanging hand. Be blessed 💋